Waiting for the Ink to Dry

A series of journals describing the day in the life of Kelley Bright, an aspiring actress, director, writer and all around artist. Hiding and, more often, displaying unbecoming emotions at the most poignant times is my specialty. This should be interesting...

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Washing my hands....

Another random picture for ya'll.
I tried to schedule a rehearsal again. That didn't work out so hot. Sonya said yes, and then changed her mind. Michelle couldn't come. Jaylon showed up. Too bad it was only him. It didn't matter anyway because Weber said I didn't have rehearsal after school on Friday. She changed her mind after Allen dropped the ball. I couldn't even go to my own play's rehearsal.
What I want to do is put the blame entirely on Weber. But I know that is wrong. It isn't her fault that Sonya ditched a rehearsal she could have gone to. It isn't her fault that Michelle is playing track. It isn't her fault Allen can't get his act together. This has little to do with Weber which is funny that I want to blame my little One Act problems on her.
This is why I feel the way I do: She chewed me out. If I had done something wrong, I would take it like a big girl but... I don't know. Girls are so odd. This is the reason I have mostly male friends. She put the blame on the entire cast for not making her aware of the fact that Allen was failing most of his classes. I have this to say:
a. I was under the assumption he was keeping his grades up for the One Acts. He has wanted to direct since he was a freshman. I thought he was pulling his act together for HIS show not hers... Looking back on this assumption, I wasn't thinking clearly. That isn't Allen-esque at all. He told everyone exactly what they wanted to hear, and darnit! I am so stupid. I do this all the time. I don't want to believe the worst of myt friends until it is right in front of my face. I am so stupid and blind. Like Jaylon- I was warned that he gave people trouble, but he was so kind, and nice. He told me that he was going to stay on track. It wasn't until I saw him in the middle of the quad fighting because "someone was talking at me" did I begin to see those issues he had. You would have thought me seeing him in the office two days after I cast him, waiting to talk to a VP would have set off the alarm in my head but NO.
b. It isn't my responsibilty to tell Weber about Allen's grades. It is Allen's. He didn't even try to keep his grades up. He shouldn't have wasted everyone's time. I didn't swim because of this play. I love swim season. Yes, I complain about it every year, but I love the environment and the people- and I miss it. I have spent eveyday after school for three hours blocking, rehearsing, and memorizing lines. I have had to kiss Nick (that should be enough said. J/K! You know I lvoe you Nick!). I had to dye my hair red, and we all know how much I loved my blond, black and red thing I used to have. I spent my weekends trying to get off script because guess what: we open in TWO WEEKS. He wasted my time. And I am upset. Especially because it is out of my hands.
The point is that Weber and I, and the rest of the cast, are all in the same boat. I think I am getting to the point where its all okay. I know no one is to blame entirely, and that it is a combination of a lot of things. I just got to take these emotions and put them somewhere else.
This week has not been good. At all. And I have to ackonwledge that I am coming off of a week filled with tension, and dissappointment.
Good news is I have decided to let the weekend carry me where it will. I woke up at eight and still haven't gotten out of bed. I read most of last night. I did have a full plate of stuff to get done, but I need me time. I need time apart from every who expects things from me. I can't do it right now. I don't want to please other people, I need to just be with Kelley. I have so much going on in my head, I just want to forget about them for the weekend, and have some down time and fun. It has been a while.
I was supposed to feed the homeless in SF last night, but the organization I go with cancelled and moved it to next week. I am almost glad for it... which I know is horrible because doing things like that is what I live for but I don't know if I could have given those people what they need. It is a lot more than a warm meal, and I don't know if last night I had it in me.
So, dear reader, I am going to flip over the pillow, pick up my book and sink away for the weekend. By Sunday night, I am sure Kelley will be ready to throw herself back in, but right now she is taking a break.


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